Santosh Mishra Online

Prometheus - Official Trailer [TRUE HD]

2011-12-25T07:32:00.000+05:30

Prometheus Trailer in True 720p HD

2 minute short film - Tree

2011-09-20T15:05:00.000+05:30

You have got to see this 2 minute short film made by Lead India Initiative of Times of India, "Tree".

I Love You (video Song) Bodyguard Ft. Salman Khan, Kareena kapoor

2011-09-20T14:48:00.000+05:30

Song : I Love You
Movie : Bodyguard
Singer : Ash King, Clinton Cerejo
Music Director : Pritam
Lyricist : Neelesh Misra
Artists : Salman Khan, Kareena Kapoor

After hit movies like Wanted, Dabangg & Ready, Salman Khan is back with another hit movie Bodyguard. This film is special, not just because of Salman & Kareena Jodi but through this film Himesh Reshammiya is doing his come back to music industry. Pritam & Himesh Reshammiya have worked hand in hand for this film's music.

Hum Tum Shabana - Dialogue Promo 01

2011-09-20T14:20:00.000+05:30

Hum Tum Shabana - Dialogue Promo 01

Starring : Tusshar Kapoor, Shreyas Talpade & Minissha Lamba.

Directed by : Sagar Ballary

Produced by : Sunil Chainani, Sameer Chand & Subhash Dawar
Category:

Hum Tum Shabana - Theatrical Trailer

2011-09-20T14:15:00.000+05:30

Official Theatrical Trailer of the film Hum Tum Shabana starring Tusshar Kapoor, Shreyas Talpade, Minissha Lamba

Hum Tum Aur Shabana is a comedy movie revolving around three characters Tusshar Kapoor, Shreyas Talpade and Minissha Lamba in which Tusshar and Shreyas are indulging in a competition of sorts to get Shabana(played by Minissha Lamba). Soon enough, this battle to woo the girl, turns into a desperate battle to lose the girl!

Aaja nachle - Madhuri and Vaibhavi on Nach Baliye

2011-09-19T18:52:00.000+05:30

Aaja nachle - Madhuri and Vaibhavi on Nach Baliye

Anushka Sharma Performs On Nach Baliye - January 2, 2009

2011-09-19T18:43:00.000+05:30

Anushka Sharma performs to "Tujh Mein Rab Dikhta Hai" and "Dance Pe Chance" during the episode of Nach Baliye 4 that aired on January 2, 2009

Vaibhavi Merchant - Crazy Kiya Re

2011-09-19T18:34:00.000+05:30

Vaibhavi Merchant Crazy Kiya re and Kajra Re

An excellent performance by Vaibhavi.

Alizee "La Isla Bonita"

2011-09-09T13:39:00.000+05:30

Music Video of La Isla Bonita by Alizee
Madonna originally sang "La Isla Bonita", also named "Spanish Lullaby".

DKNY Fashion Show - Part 2

2009-01-31T09:41:00.001+05:30

DKNY Fashion Show - Part 2

DKNY Fashion Show - Part 1

2009-01-31T09:38:00.001+05:30

DKNY Fashion Show - Part 1

Great Wall hosts major fashion show

2009-01-31T09:33:00.001+05:30

Great Wall hosts major fashion show

Built centuries ago to keep out the barbarian hoards, China's Great Wall was lit up for its first ever big-name fashion show. Some of the country's most famous stars gathered at the Wall at Juyongguan, an hour north of Beijing, for the unveiling of a new line partly designed by Karl Lagerfeld for fashion house Fendi.

Movie Review: Taken

2009-01-31T09:28:00.000+05:30

Movie Review: Taken

Washington Times movie critic Sonny Bunch reviews "Taken."

Essentials for Blogging

2008-12-16T02:44:00.001+05:30

So in my last post, Essentials for Blogging, I mentioned some tools that you as a blogger could use effectively to overcome the limitations of your particular hosting platform. Through a combination of tools, you could optimize your blogging experience and make your blog better looking, easily accessible, noticed and promoted. Executed properly, you can achieve results that far exceed the results of a single hosting platform. Users who have dedicated blogging platforms, even those who have dedicated hosting services do sometimes use these tools to effectively monetize or popularize. In the end, readers not only get a far better experience, they also remember the difference your blog makes. As they say content is king. Once someone reads your content, you are sure he will bookmark you and return to your blog again and again like a dedicated worshipper. But why will he look at your blog, if he doesn't even notice it. If you are not able to reach the reader, whatever you write is only for you to see.

So, you have to make your blog noticeable, reachable, provide that extra something which other bloggers don't. And you have to know your readers.

All these to work, you will need tools/services, which at present are not offered by any blogging platform. If they offer some features, then they miss out on the others.

Do not worry. Learn to integrate and disintegrate. In this post I will try to list tools/services which you as a blogger will find very useful. Among these tools are :

Blog Host : A place where the blog will be hosted. There are many blog hosts all over the net. All of them offer various services. Some for free, some free to try, and some paid.

Image Hosts : A picture is worth a thousand words. And most of the Blog hosts do not offer a decent picture storage facility.

Hit Counters : Did anyone read your blog? Who read your blog? Where do they come from? When do they read your blog? How many times did someone check out your blog? Which of your posts did they read? What search terms did they use? Which link did they follow? The answer to all these questions is a Hit counter.

Syndication : XML? RSS? ATOM? Which type of feed does your blog use? Your RSS Reader cannot read ATOM? Get them converted.

Mailing list : Let your users subscribe through their email. Send them new posts by email. Keep them informed of new posts.

File Storage : So you recorded your sweet baby’s first footsteps and want the world to see? Did you say it was 100mb? And you can’t email such a big file? Use free hosting service to upload your files and let the world watch the next superstar take the first step to glory.

Feed Readers : You have to have a decent feed reader. Why? To read what others are writing about. Everybody blogs. And if you read other people’s blog, and comment on it. They and their readers will come and check out your blog.

Though, right now I can’t think of anything else, I am sure there are many more tools and services which a blogger can effectively use to his/her advantage.

To get the ball rolling, lets see the contenders for the Blog Host category.

Wordpress: You can get a blog started in less time than it takes you to read this
sentence. All you need is an email address. You’ll get your own
WordPress.com address (like you.wordpress.com), a selection of great free and customizable designs for your blog (we call them themes), 3 gigabytes
of file storage (that’s about 2,500 pictures!) and all the other great
features listed here. You can blog as much as you want for free, your
blog can be public to the world or private for just your friends.

Blogger : With its unique brand name, with the might of Google, its become one of the biggest blog hosting platform. Not only it allows you to host multiple blogs, it has recently started allowing photos to be hosted at blogger too. With 31 templates to choose from, a blogger can create a personal identity. With the knowledge of CSS and HTML, any one can make a new template. Now with Google Adsense integration, its more bang for the buck

LiveJournal - Website and client software for maintaining an online journal/weblog and keep track of friends journals. Boasting a total of more than 9 million users, a user can join for free. Though, there are many account upgrades possible, if you feel like shelling out $3 p.m. Free users cannot completely customize their blog. They can post only 6 pictures, compared to 15 for upgraded users. An upgraded user also gets a subdomain like username.livejournal.com

Yahoo 360° - Create your own place online. Share photos. Create a blog. List your favorites, send a blast, and more. Blogs, Photos, Friends, LAUNCHcast, Lists, Groups! Even I am not sure what Yahoo 360 wants to be.

Xanga - Xanga is obsessed with one thing: helping people publish content to the web. As a free user you get 200MB of photo storage, while premium users get 2GB. A premium user also gets to post 99 profile pictures. Whew! A premium user can also download their blogs. If you can afford $4 p.m., then go for it.

I am sure this is not an exhaustive list. Do inform me of others worth mentioning.

Up next on the list are Image Hosts :

ImageShack® - provides free web hosting for images with direct linking allowed (hotlinking). It can be used to share pictures with friends, post images on message boards. It can also be used to direct link images from your personal website or eBay auction. No signup required. Powered by highly reliable Linux dedicated server network. Limitations: File size limit 1024 KB; File types allowed: gif, jpg, jpeg, png, swf (Flash); Images that have not been accessed in over a year will be deleted.

Photobucket.com - is a free image hosting company for ebay, online auctions, classifieds, message boards, blogs, live journals, and online photo albums. You can easily upload, categorize, add titles and delete images as needed. Direct linking is allowed. You can upload up to 20 pictures at once. Photos larger than 512 KB are automatically scaled down. Limitations: 50 MB storage space; 2500 MB/month bandwidth; 512 KB file size limit; Extensions allowed: .jpg, .png, .gif, .bmp, .swf (Flash files); Images must not contain any weird characters (numbers and letters only). The uploader converts bmp and tif to jpg. You can view the most recently uploaded pictures.

PicsPlace.to - offers free web hosting of photo pictures, image files, and Macromedia Flash file format. No signup required, and Hotlinking allowed (direct linking of uploaded images). Can be used for ebay auctions, posting images on message boards, your personal web site or wherever you want. Your pics are freely hosted on a fast dedicated server. Supports free webhosting of JPG, JPEG, PNG, GIF, BMP and SWF files up to 1.5 MB; No diskspace or bandwidth limitations; Inactive files will not be deleted from their server.

4FreeImageHost - allow images of up to 500K picture file in either jpg, jpeg, gif or png format. Hotlinking is allowed. Signing up is not required to upload pics, but you can choose to register and create a free image hosting account so you can manage your uploaded images. Registered users can also get the code for their images again or delete them. Their service can be used with message boards, eBay auction listings, blogs, etc. Their server will keep images online at least 60 days.

69 Wisdoms and Axioms for modern life

2008-04-23T06:17:00.000+05:30

69 Wisdoms and Axioms for modern life

1) If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

2) A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

3) Experience is something that you don't get until just after you need it.

4) For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

5) He who hesitates is probably right.

6) No one is listening until you make a mistake.

7) Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

8) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

9) Two wrongs are only the beginning.

10) Monday is an awful way to spend one-seventh of your life.

11) The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have for catching up.

12) A clear consciense is usually the sign of a bad memory.

13) It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.

14) There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell everything you know.

15) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.

16) The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

17) Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

18) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

19) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

21) If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

22) Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

23) The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

24) The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

25) The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

26) To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

27) You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

28) The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

29) If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

30) Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

31) Don't sweat petty things or pet sweaty things.

32) A fool and his money are soon partying.

33) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

34) Money can't buy love But it CAN rent a very close imitation.

35) Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

36) Always try to be modest ... And be damn proud of it!

37) If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of loan repayments.

38) How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.

39) Everybody repeat after me "We are all individuals."

40) Chastity is curable, if detected early.

41) Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

42) Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

43) Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.

44) Hard work pays off in the future, Laziness pays off now.

45) Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

46) Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

47) Half the people you know are below average.

48) 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

49) 427.23 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

50) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

51) Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

52) He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

53) A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

54) On the other hand, you have different fingers.

55) Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

56) I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

57) Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

58) Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

59) I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

60) He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged.

61) You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

62) I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

63) Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

64) Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

65) Always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else.

66) War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

67) Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

68) I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

69) Do unto others, then run .............

Laws women live by

2008-04-23T06:03:00.000+05:30

Laws women live by

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If we put a man on the moon - we should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember: a sense of humor does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Just a thought for all the women out there... MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?

Slogans for women's T-shirts

2008-04-23T06:01:00.001+05:30

Slogans for women's T-shirts

1. So many men, so few who can afford me.

2. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.

3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.

4. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just can't remember it all.

5. My Mother Is a travel agent for guilt trips.

6. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.

7. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.

8. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

10. Dinner Is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

11. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

12. I'm out of estrogen-and I have a gun.

13. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?

14. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

15. I hate everybody...and you're next.

16. And your point is...?

17. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

18. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

19. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.

20. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

21. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

22. All stressed out and no one to choke.

23. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

24. How can I miss you if you won't go away?

25. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

26. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

27. Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Understanding Female Logic - Chapter 1

2008-04-23T05:50:00.000+05:30

Understanding Female Logic - Chapter 1
A translation of what women say and what they really mean ........

"Yes" = No

"No" = Yes

"Maybe" = No

"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry

"We need" = I want

"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now

"Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later

"We need to talk" = I need to complain

"Sure go ahead" = I don't want you to

"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

"You're so manly" = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs

"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house

"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper

"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep

"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive

"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're going to hate

"I'll be ready in a minute" = Just going to wash my hair

"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me

"Are you listening to me!?" = Too late, you're dead

Natalie Gulbis

2007-10-23T23:06:00.000+05:30

Natalie Gulbis

Aerial photos of Niagara Falls

2007-10-23T22:50:00.000+05:30

Aerial photos of Niagara Falls

How Much Do You Make An Hour?

2007-10-02T19:37:00.000+05:30

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year-old son waiting for him at the door.

Son: "Daddy, may I ask you a question"

Daddy: "Yeah sure, what it is?"

Son: "Dad, how much do you make an hour"

Daddy: "That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing? " thatman said angrily

Son: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?"

Daddy: "I make Rs. 500 an hour"

"Oh", the little boy replied, with his head down. Looking up, he said, "Dad, may I please borrow Rs. 300?".

The father was furious, "If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or other nonsense, then march yourself to your room and go to bed. Think why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behavior"

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions.

How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?

After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think:"May be there was something he really needed to buy with that Rs. 300 and he really didn't ask for money very often!"

The man went to the door of little boy's room and opened the door.

"Are you asleep, son?" He asked.

"No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.

"I've been thinking, may be I was too hard on you earlier", said the man, "It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the Rs.300 you asked for".

The little boy sat straight up, smiling "oh thank you dad!" He yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled some crippled up notes.The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at his father.

"Why do you want money if you already had some?" the father grumbled.

"Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied."Daddy I have Rs. 500 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you"

MORAL:
It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts.

If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family & friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than to our family. An unwise investment indeed!

Bye, Bye Daddy!!!

2007-10-02T19:32:00.000+05:30

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Bye, Bye Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Bye, Bye Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Bye, Bye Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the door. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

Researching The Frog

2007-10-02T19:29:00.000+05:30

Researching The Frog

A prominent scientist conducted very important experiment. He trained a frog to jump upon giving it a verbal command "Jump!".

In a first stage of experiment he removed frog leg, told it to jump, and the frog jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook:

"Upon removing one leg all frog organs function properly."

So, he removed the second leg, asked the frog to jump, it obeyed, so he wrote again:

"Upon removing the second leg all frog organs function properly."

Thereafter he removed all the legs but one, the frog jumped when ordered, so he wrote again:

"Upon removing three legs all frog organs function properly."

Then he removed the last leg. Told the frog to jump, and nothing happened. He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the leg less frog never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion:

"Upon removing the last leg the frog loses sense of hearing."

The Father And The Daughter

2007-10-01T23:29:00.000+05:30

The Father And The Daughter

The story goes that some time ago a man punished his 5-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of expensive gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and he became even more upset when the child pasted the gold paper so as to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree.

Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift box to her father the next morning and said, "This is for you, Daddy." The father was embarrassed by his earlier over reaction, but his anger flared again when he found the box was empty. He spoke to her in a harsh manner, "Don't you know, young lady, when you give someone a present there's supposed to be something inside the package?"

The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "Oh, Daddy, it's not empty. I blew kisses into it until it was full." The father was crushed. He fell on his knees and put his arms around his little girl, and he begged her to forgive him for his unnecessary anger.

An accident took the life of the child only a short time later and it is told that the father kept that gold box by his bed for all the years of his life. And whenever he was discouraged or faced difficult problems he would open the box and take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there.

In a very real sense, each of us as human beings have been given a golden box filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, family, friends and God. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold. Friends are like angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

Some rules regarding girls

2007-10-01T23:26:00.000+05:30

Some rules regarding girls:

If you think a girl is beautiful, she'll always have a boyfriend to confirm that. Believe me that's damm true!!!
The nicer she is, the quicker you will be dumped!!!!!
The more the makeup, worse the looks...
95% of the girls in this world are beautiful. Remaining 5% would always be in your college.
The guy standing next to a beautiful girl can never be her brother.
If by any chance the girl you like, likes you too, she will let you know in about 10 years from now, when you are committed.
The more you ignore a girl, the more she'll want to be friends with you.
Theory of relativity: The more you run towards a hot chick, the more she goes away from you!
Rule 1:
Even if you got her out alone, just when you are about to let her know about your feelings, she will spot a long lost friend (I guess from Kumbh ka Mela).

Corollary to Rule 1:
The more desperate you are to tell your feelings to a girl on a private chat, the more probability the long lost friend she discovered is a handsome superman, who beats you in everything 9:1

Axiom 1:
The more dedicated you are to the girl, the longer it takes before things work out, but ultimately it will (some smile for the guys)
The day the chick you really like comes and speaks to you will be the day when:
1. You are dressed badly
2. You forgot to brush your teeth for the first time in your life
3. Have a bad hair day
All the good girls are either nuns or married. The rest go around with you and ruin your money, health and leave you a total wreck.
The more seriously you like a girl, the more seriously her dad will hate you.
The love you shower a girl with, is directly proportional to the number of bullets her dad will be showering at you. So beware of girls!!! They will mess up ur life!!!

13 Things About You

2007-10-01T23:17:00.001+05:30

13 Things About You

Someone in this world Loves you , in some way.
A smile from you, can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
You mean the world to someone.
Without you, someone may not be living.
You are special and unique, in your own way.
Someone that you don't know even exists, loves you.
When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
When you think the world has turned it's back on you, take a look, you most likely turned your back on the world.
When you think you have no chance at getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, you probably sooner or later will get it.
Always remember complements you received, forget about the rude remarks.
Always tell someone how you feel about them, you will feel much better when they know.
If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great. If you choose, send this letter to as many people as you care about, you'll brighten up someone's day, and might change their perspective on life, for the better!

MTV Bakra.. !

2007-10-01T23:15:00.000+05:30

MTV Bakra.. !

Jasmeet Kaur caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all around his living room.

Jasmeet: "What are you searching for?"

Santa: "Hidden cameras!"

Jasmeet: "And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?"

Santa: "That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why every few minutes he keeps saying 'You are watching MTV!' How does he know that?"

Why women are so special?

2007-10-01T23:10:00.000+05:30

Why women are so special?

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, “I’m tired, and it’s getting late. I think I’ll go to bed.”

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day’s lunches.

Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.

She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button.

She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer.

She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry.

She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair.

She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.

Mom then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night solution & age-fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her nails.

Dad called out, “I thought you were going to bed.”

“I’m on my way,” she said.

She put some water into the dog’s dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked and the patio light was on.

She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and TV’s, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.

In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list. She said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals.

About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular. “I’m going to bed.”

And he did... without another thought.

INDIAN COW

2007-09-30T23:14:00.000+05:30

INDIAN COW

You'll forget your English by the time you finish reading this.This is
a true essay written by a candidate at UPSC ( IAS ) Examinations.

INDIAN COW

He is the cow. The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed, and because he is female, he gives milks. He is same like God , sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards. His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement.

What can it do? Various ghee,butter, cream, curd,why and the condensed milk and so forth. And he is also useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally. His motion is slow only because he is of lazy species, and also his gober is much useful to farmers, plants and trees and is used to make flat cakes, in hand and drying sun.

Cow is the only animal that extricates after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth.

He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass.

His only attacking and defending organ is the horns, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weaponed to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards. He has got tails also, situated in the backyard, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohesive body hereupon he gives hit with it.

The palms of his feet are soft onto the touch.So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts. His eyes and nose are like his other relatives. This is the cow.

Insulting Bus Driver

2007-09-27T04:21:00.001+05:30

Insulting Bus Driver

On this morning a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says, "Wow that is one ugly baby." The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man.

The man asks "What's wrong you look mad?"

She replied "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."

"You shouldn't take that from him." the man replied, "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him.

"You're right sir I think I will report him."

The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number, I'll hold your monkey for you."

What I learned at the movies - Important life lessons...contd

2007-09-27T04:18:00.001+05:30

What I learned at the movies - Important life lessons...contd

Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.

At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

What I learned at the movies - Important life lessons

2007-09-27T04:15:00.001+05:30

What I learned at the movies - Important life lessons

During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

Most dogs are immortal.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Computers never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon, and waffles for their family every morning even though fathers and children never have time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

The Chief of Police is always black and will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out all of them.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

Girls Reaction To Penis Sizes

2007-09-27T04:14:00.000+05:30

Girls Reaction To Penis Sizes

9 INCHES - Oh Shit, pain!!
7 INCHES - Oh, I'm in heaven
6 INCHES - OH PERFECT
5 INCHES - UMMMM OK
4 INCHES - PUSH MORE
3 INCHES - IS THAT IN???
2 INCHES - IDIOT!! JUST USE YOUR TONGUE!!

Stranded On An Island

2007-09-27T04:13:00.002+05:30

Stranded On An Island

There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...

They buried her.

Great Sex

2007-09-27T04:13:00.001+05:30

Great Sex

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"

He replies: "Oh, no: I never found her head."

The Perfect Couple

2007-09-27T04:12:00.001+05:30

The Perfect Couple

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)

Answer:

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
**** Men keep scrolling.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen

Some Great One Liners

2007-09-27T04:11:00.001+05:30

Some one-liners for you lazy bums

Q: What is the definition of Confidence?
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next!"

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q: Whats blue and fcuks old people?
A: Hypothermia

Q: What have the Gas Board and pelicans got in common?
A: They can both stick their bills up their arse.

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the shit out of the dog.

Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
A: If they're not on your **** they're in your wallet.

Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A: Well endowed.

Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Q. Why would a bloke give his wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for her birthday?
A. Because if she doesn't like the slippers she can go and get ****ed.

Q. What's the definition of "trust"?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

Q: How do you tell that you have a high sperm count
A: Your date has to chew before she swallows

Q: Why do seagulls have wings?
A: To beat the gypsies to the tip.

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "It might take me a while to get hard I just got laid last night

Q: What is the politically correct name for Lesbian
A: "Vagitarian"

Q: What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog?
A: When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you.

Q: What do Kodak and condoms have in common?
A: They both capture the moment.

Q: What's got 90 balls and makes women sweat?
A: Bingo.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can get to sleep with a light on.

Q: What's got four legs and an arm?
A: A rottweiler.

Woman: "I've got acute angina".
Man: "Your tits aren't bad either".

Q: What's got two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog.

Q: What have a fat woman and a moped got in common?
A: They're both OK for a ride until your mates find out.

Q: What is the definition of confusion?
A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

New Job

2007-09-27T04:10:00.001+05:30

New Job

A young man just got a new job running the register at a store. The old-timer said he would teach him how to sell things. "Watch how I do it" he said to the new hire as a man came up to the counter.

The customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter. The old-timer then said to him "You know when you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing you're going to need a new lawnmower to cut that grass." "You know," said the man, "I do need to get a new mower, sure I'll take one."

After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one." A man then stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman then said, "You know you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that."

The man then asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?" "Well," he said, "It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass!"

Great Pickup Line

2007-09-27T04:09:00.001+05:30

Great Pickup Line

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

Hippie And The Bus Driver

2007-09-27T04:08:00.000+05:30

Hippie And The Bus Driver

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

Broken Flush

2007-09-27T04:07:00.001+05:30

Broken flush

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Long Live The Pope

2007-09-27T04:06:00.000+05:30

Long Live The Pope

One day the Pope became very ill. All the cardinals gathered in the Vatican to pray for him and brought with them the best doctor in the world. The doctor examined him for some time and when finished told the Cardinals of the Pope's condition. "I have some Bad news and some Good news." The doctor said "The Bad news is the Pope has a very rare and very deadly desease. The good news is it can be cured with sex."

The Cardinals didn't take the news very well. They didn't want the Pope to die but they knew he took an outh of celebacy. They decided to tell the Pope and have him decide.

After telling the Pope his condition and the only way to cure it the Pope asked the Cardinals to leave the room for ten minutes while he thought about it. The Cardinals left and ten minutes returned for the Pope's answer.

"I've decided that for the sake of the church it is better if I were to live." The Pope said "I will have sex but we must keep it a secret."

"What kind of woman shall we get your Holiness" One of the Cardinals said.

"I have four requirments for the woman. First she must be blind so that she cannot see who she is having sex with." said the Pope.

"Good idea." a Cardinal said.

"Secondly she must be deaf so that she cannot overhear who she is having sex with." the Pope continued.

"Makes sense" another Cardinal said.

"Thirdly she must be mute so if by some chance she finds out who she is having sex with she can't tell anyone."

"Alright. And whats the last requirment?" a Cardinal asked.

The Pope replied "Big tits!"

Prolong The Lovemaking Experience

2007-09-27T04:05:00.002+05:30

Prolong The Lovemaking Experience

A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."

Her first time with him

2007-09-27T04:05:00.001+05:30

Her first time with him

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

If Men Truly Ran The World

2007-09-27T04:02:00.000+05:30

If Men Truly Ran The World

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Garbage would take itself out.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Two words..."Ally McNaked".
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. Example:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

If Men Wrote Cosmopolitan

2007-09-27T04:01:00.001+05:30

If men wrote Cosmopolitan.

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged.
The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home.
Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets.
ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex ?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.
Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last ?
A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good.
Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity,such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with buddies. Don't feel left out-while he's gone you can busy yourself doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay?"
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

The Photographer

2007-09-27T04:00:00.001+05:30

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said.

"And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward.

"You mean they actually chewed on your, eh... equipment ?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod?" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!"

The gynecologist and the beautiful patient

2007-09-27T03:58:00.000+05:30

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed. After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breast. "Do you know what I am doing know?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with

He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place."

Hypnotism Helps

2007-09-27T03:56:00.000+05:30

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not Have a Headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It Worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my Wife. She's Not my wife. She's not my wife."

His funeral services will be held on Friday.

Speak Australian

2007-09-26T02:07:00.000+05:30

Scarce as rocking horse shit.
Very rare

About as useful as tits on a bull.
Useless

Ugly as a hatful/bucket of arseholes
Really ugly

Bangs like a dunny door in a storm.
Has sex a lot

Got a face like a bashed in shit can.
Insult

You're as handy as shit on a stick.
You’re not much help

She's got a face like a smacked arse.
Boy! You are ugly

Better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick.
Be thankful for what you've got

Sticks out like dog's balls.
Doesn't fit in, out of place

As useful as lips on a chicken.
Not worth a damn

Dry as a **** with no foreplay.
Very thirsty

Sure as there's cold shit in a dead cat.
The certainty of the situation

As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp.
Ugly

So hungry I'd eat a shit sandwich, only I don't like bread
Really hungry

Welcome as a pork chop in a synagogue.
Not popular

You're as ugly as a box of blowflies.
Insult

I'd be up her like a rat up a drain pipe.
She very ****able

Dryer than an Arab's fart
Thirsty

She has more chins than a Chinese phonebook.
Has a double/ triple chin

It's so cold, me headlights are on high beam.
Also known as Nippelus Erectus

I'll be off like a Jewish foreskin
I'm getting out of here

As popular as shit in a lunch box.
Unwelcome

I'm so hungry I could eat the crutch out of an Afghans undies.
Really hungry

She has a head on her like the south end of a north bound camel.
She is bloody ugly

Got a face like a mile of unpaved road.
Pretty ugly

As welcome as a fart in a phone box.
Get out of here

She’s as friendly as a punch in the face
A cold unfriendly woman

She's got a face like a cat licking shit off a thistle
Ugly

He couldn't drive a greasy stick up a dog's arse
Bad driver

He couldn't drive a wet soapy finger up his own arse!
Even worse driver

Condom promotions

2007-09-26T01:36:00.000+05:30

Here are a few condom promotions.

Don't be silly, protect your willy
Don't b a loner, cover your boner
You cant go wrong, if you shield your dong
If you are not going to sack it, go home and whack it
Cover your stump before you hump
If you think she spunky, cover your monkey
If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
She wont get sick, if you wrap your dick
If you go into heat, package your meat
Especially in December, gift wrap your meat
The right selection will protect an erection
Sex is cleaner with a packed weiner
Don't make a mistake, muzzle your snake

Chocolate vs. Sex

2007-09-26T01:32:00.000+05:30

Why chocolate is better than sex?

Here are a few reasons. I am sure you could think of some more.

You can have chocolate in front of your parents
No one starts rumors about who you shared chocolate with
People of the same sex can share chocolate without being called names
Chocolate is not too expensive if you pay for it
Chocolate is just as attractive when you are sober
A big piece lasts longer, but a small one is just as satisfying
You can have chocolate in your office without upsetting your co workers
It's easy to get chocolate
Chocolate is as satisfying even when it's soft
A guy can have chocolate with nuts without being called gay

PMS

2007-09-26T01:30:00.000+05:30

12 things PMS stands for. Something that some girls don't have once a month, but every day that ends with the letter "Y"

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. Provide Me with Sweets
6. Pardon My Sobbing
7. Pimples May Surface
8. Pass My Sweatpants
9. Pissy Mood Syndrome
10. Plainly; Men Suck
11. Pack My Stuff
12. Potential Murder Suspect

Score Chicks Easily

2007-09-26T01:27:00.000+05:30

Two guys would go out drinking and clubbing together regularly. One guy ALWAYS seemed to score the chicks more the other.

One night he asks him, "Dude, how do you score so many chicks? Whats your secret?"

His mate looks around to make sure no one is listening and replies, "I put a large potato in my pants"

"And this actually works?"

"Yep, sure does", replied his mate with a wink.

The next night, the guy gets ready and places a potato down his pants just as his mate said. The two go out clubbing but the guy notices the women are looking at him in utter disgust and turning away.

"Dude, I did what you told me and put a potato down my pants, but the chicks don’t wanna know me, why not??"

His mate looks down at his trousers and bursts out laughing.

"I meant put the potato down the FRONT of your trousers not the back!!"

The Lady Who Does The Handjobs

2007-09-26T01:01:00.000+05:30

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50

HANDJOB: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

Ed Zachary Disease

2007-09-26T01:00:00.000+05:30

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex or over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose".

The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room".

Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said " OK, now craw reeery, reery fass back to me".

As she di, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your problem very bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worst case I ever. Dat why you not haf sex or dates".

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deepy and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass".

Secret Of Beauty

2007-09-26T00:58:00.001+05:30

A business man enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. The bartenders says, " Look, buddy, I'll bring you martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer relies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

Very Intelligent

2007-09-26T00:56:00.000+05:30

Jim and Edna were both patients in an asylum. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.

The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry..How soon can I go home?"

Different Types Of Hangovers

2007-09-25T23:35:00.000+05:30

Different Types Of Hangovers

* 1-star hangover

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You sleep in your own bed and when you wake up, there are no traffic cones in there with you.

You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.

Even vegetarians crave a cheeseburger and a basket of fries.

** 2-star hangover

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.

The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.

Although you have a nice demeanor at the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the Net and writing junk e-mail.

*** 3-star hangover

Slight headache. Stomach feels like crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.

Anytime someome walks by your desk you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m.

Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a two-liter bottle of Coke, watching daytime TV.

You've had four cups of coffee, a gallon of water, two burritos, and a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke, yet you haven't peed once.

**** 4-star hangover

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew.

Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.

You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks and can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving.

Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class, circa 1976.

You would give a week's pay for one of the following: home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a time machine so that you can go back to last night and change the fact that you went out.

You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

***** 5-star hangover

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee sitting next to you.

Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.

You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.

Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.

You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.

Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic.

You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe... very gently.

****** 6-star hangover

You arrive home and climb into bed.

Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.

You get about two hours of sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.

You notice that your bed has been cleared for takeoff and is flying relentlessly around the room.

No matter what you do now, you're going to vomit.

You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht, fully sailing. After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls, knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.

If you are lucky, you remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.

You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short-lived.

With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died down to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't relent.

You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.

It is now dawn and you pass by your disgusted partner getting up for the day, as you try to climb into bed. She abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.

You reluctantly accept her advice and take a shower. Work is simply not an option.

The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.

You vow never to touch a drop of alcohol again, and who knows, for the next two or three hours you might even succeed.

If Wishes Were Horses

2007-09-25T23:25:00.000+05:30

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly.

He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."

"No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'"

"Keep going!"

"I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, You now have three wishes.' I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, What will be your second wish?'"

"What next?" begged the bartender.

"I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?'

I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?"

How Long For A Haircut

2007-09-25T23:23:00.001+05:30

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. follow that guy and see where he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house and bangs your wife."

The Parrot And The Priest

2007-09-25T23:02:00.000+05:30

The Priest has a pet Parrot in the Church. He has a very smart Parrot. The Parrot not only has learned how to interperate different phrases and actions, but also has learned how to respond to them. The Priest tells the Parrot "Go out and find new words." So then, the Parrot starts its journey...

The Parrot goes to a park and sits on a tree branch. Then the Parrot sees a man spread his arms wide and say:

"Ahhh, feel the fucking breeze."

The Parrot has learned new words.

Then, the Parrot moves on to a construction site and sees a worker drop a brick from the third level and almost hit another man below. The man on the ground level looks up at the clumsy worker and yells:

"Hey, you almost hit me with that fucking thing !!!"

The Parrot learned new words.

A few blocks away from the construction site, the Parrot finds itself in a residential area and notices a bright red truck. The Parrot sees two firefighters and an old woman crying for her cat stuck in a tree. The Parrot hears one firefighter say:

"How are we gonna get the cat down from the tree ?"

The other firefighter responds:

"Use the fucking ladder !!!"

The Parrot learned new words and decides his journey is over, so the Parrot goes back to the Priest to impress him...

[Knock, Knock, Knock]

The Priest opens the door.

The Parrot spreads its wings.

Parrot: "Ah, feel the fucking breeze."

The Priest, shocked, swings his Bible at the Parrot.

Parrot: "Hey, you almost hit me with that fucking thing !!!"

The Priest calms down and takes a deep breath.

Priest: "How are you going to get to heaven with all that foul language ?"

Parrot: "Use the fucking ladder !!!"

How Long Has It Been?

2007-09-25T22:57:00.000+05:30

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit....

Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."

Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.

Man: "Oh thank you so much!"

Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?"

Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.

Man: "Oh... thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"

Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit, the girl asks: "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"

Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"

A Woman Scorned

2007-09-25T22:54:00.000+05:30

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love", so Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry. There will be Hell to pay later!

What Women Want

2007-09-25T22:51:00.000+05:30

Once upon a time a man stumbled across a lamp and rubbed it, a gene came out and told the man that he would grant him ONE wish...the man thought about it for a while and said "You know, I always wanted to travel to Hawaii but I'm too scared to fly or take a boat there, I wish there was a bridge long enough that went from America all the way to Hawaii so I could drive there."

The gene looked at him and replied "Are you crazy, do you know what kind of engineering it would take to build such a bridge? Do you know how much money it would cost? Do you know that there's not enough material to build that bridge and it's practically impossible for it to stand, there's no way I can do it. Wish something more logical next time."

So the guy looks at the genie and says "Okay, my last wife left me because I wasn't sensitive enough, the last one left me because I didn't listen to her, the third one left me for other reasons. I don't understand women, I am a failure when it comes to them. Can you please grand me this wish and tell me what women want?"

The gene looks at him and says "So that bridge, do you want it to be with 2 lanes or 4 lanes?"

The Good Wife

2007-09-25T22:43:00.001+05:30

An old fellow was on his death bed and he was very concerned that his wife would blow all of his hard-earned money after he was gone. So he called her to his deathbed and made her promise that she would put all of his $50,000 of life earnings into the casket with him when she buried him. Reluctantly, she agreed.

In a day or two, the old fellow died. Two days later as the funeral was finishing up, the wife slipped up to the casket and was seen dropping an envelope into the casket just before it was closed. One of her friends stopped her and said, "You really didn't put all that money into the casket did you?"

"Of course, I did," she replied. "I'm a good Christian woman and I did make a promise. I wrote a check."

A New Dictionary

2007-09-25T22:42:00.001+05:30

A little boy walked into his mom and dads room while they were fighting. The dad yelled, "You biatch!" And the mom screamed, "You bastard!" And the little boy said, "Mommy, Daddy what does that mean???" And the parents replied "Um...ladies and gentlemen." And with that answer the little boy ran off to bed.

The next night the parents were really horny, the dad said "Nice tits!", and the mom said, "Nice dick!" And the little boy ran into the room and asked, "Mommy, Daddy what does that mean???" "Um...hats and coats." And with that answer the little boy ran back to bed.

The next day was Thanksgiving and all of the relatives were going to be eating and celebrating at the little boys house. The little boy was on his way up the stairs and ran into the bathroom. When he swung the door open it hit his dad's elbow. The dad was shaving and he cut himself.

"Shit!" He bellowed.

"Daddy what does that mean???", the child asked.

"Um, it is the name of the shaving cream that I'm using, now run downstairs and see what your mom is doing." And with that the little boy did as he was told. Meanwhile his mom was slicing the turkey, and she accidentally put her finger in the wrong place.

"Fuck!" She hollered and the little boy said , "Mommy, what does that mean???"

"Um, it means I'm cutting the turkey.", Mommy replies

DING-DONG. The door bell rang and the little boy scampered off to answer it saying: "Hello all of you biatches and bastards, hang up your titties and dicks. Dad's up stairs wiping the shit off of his face and mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

Dating Women

2007-09-25T22:32:00.000+05:30

WHITE WOMEN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

PORTUGUESE WOMEN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.

JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date: You get terrific head.
Second Date: You get even more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

CHINESE WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing is ever going to happen.

ALBANIAN WOMEN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night , insists on a 5-carat

BLACK WOMEN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's

ARAB WOMEN:
First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date: Guy is shot dead.
No third date.

Different Men Use Different Packs

2007-09-25T22:29:00.001+05:30

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.

Men use them to have safe sex.""Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package? " The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack!

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....etc."

What It Means To Be British

2007-09-25T22:23:00.000+05:30

One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "What it means to be British?". Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland.

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for A Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all?

Suspicion of anything foreign.

Men are like

2007-09-25T22:20:00.001+05:30

Men are like....

Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like.....Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Newborn

2007-09-25T22:19:00.000+05:30

Minutes after a woman gave birth to her baby, her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside, and said: "I have something I must tell you about your baby."

"What's wrong? the alarmed mother asked.

"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

"What's that?"

"It means your baby has both male and female parts."

Oh my Goodness, that's wonderful! The woman exclaimed. You mean it has a penis and a brain? That doesn't happen often!"

Women Are Smart

2007-09-25T22:18:00.000+05:30

Two women were playing golf. One watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Top 10 Things Only Women Understand

2007-09-25T22:16:00.000+05:30

Top 10 Things Only Women Understand

10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, off-white and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
1. Other women.

Turkish Joke - No Laughing Matter

2007-09-25T22:14:00.000+05:30

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Turkish joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I am Turkish. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, weighs 225, and he's Turkish. The fella next to him is 6'5" tall, weighs 250, and he's Turkish. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

Little Johnny - No Kidding

2007-09-25T22:12:00.000+05:30

Little Johnny was doing very badly in maths. His parents had tried everything: tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, electrolysis, shock therapy, torture; in short, everything that they could think of.

Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Johnny down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, Little Johnny comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books and paper are spread out all over the room and Little Johnny is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for some time, day after day, while the Mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, Little Johnny brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mum looks at it and to her surprise, Little Johnny got an A in maths. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Johnny looks at her and shakes his head.

"Well then," she replies "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it??"

Little Johnny looks at her and says "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fucking around.

Make it whiskey

2007-09-25T22:10:00.000+05:30

A man walks into a bar. The bartender says to the guy, "What can I get you?"

"Make it a whiskey," says the man, who promptly throws it down in one gulp.

"That'll be three dollars," says the bartender.

"Screw you!" says the man. "You offered to get me something. I thought you were paying."

"Get out," says the bartender. "You're banned. I don't need your crap."

Two years later, the same man walks into the same bar with the same bartender. The bartender looks at him and says, "You're the jerk who tried to con a drink out of me, aren't you?"

"Excuse me, but I have no idea what you're talking about," says the customer. "I've never been to this bar before in my life!"

"Sorry. My mistake," says the bartender. "You must have a double."

"Hey thanks, dude!" says the customer. "Make it whiskey."

Aer Lingus Transatlantic Flight

2007-09-25T22:08:00.000+05:30

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One Irish woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman!

Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.

He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and beautiful brown eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The Irish woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, he extends his arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."

Flattery

2007-09-25T22:06:00.000+05:30

Paddy's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Paddy replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Paddy interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

Little Johnny - An Expert In English

2007-09-25T21:44:00.000+05:30

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Little Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow-job."

Little Johnny - Nice Thinking

2007-09-25T21:40:00.000+05:30

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on Little Johnny. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied, "No, the correct answer is, the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

Little Mary - Let's Talk

2007-09-25T21:26:00.000+05:30

A stranger was seated next to Little Mary on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Mary, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," Little Mary said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass--the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

Little Mary fires back, "Then do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Little Mary - Sunday School

2007-09-25T20:25:00.000+05:30

Little Mary was never good in Sunday School, so she decided to sleep through class, but one day the teacher asked her a question "Mary, who created the universe?" Mary never moved from her deep sleep, so David, a little boy who sits behind her in class took his pen and poked her with it and Mary jumped up and yelled "God almighty" and the teacher told her it was correct.

A little while later the teacher asked her another question "Mary, who is our lord and savior?" again Mary never answered so David poked her with his pen again and Mary jumps up and yells "Sweet Jesus!!" The teacher told her it was correct, so Mary went back to sleep.

The teacher then asked her a third question, "Mary, what did Eve say to Adam after they had their 23rd child?"

So one last time David pokes Mary with his pen 1 last time, but this time Mary jumps up and yells "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'm gonna break it in half!!"

Then the teacher faints.

Little Johnny - Phonetic

2007-09-25T20:23:00.000+05:30

A grade school teacher in Tennessee asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to Graceland and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinated."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Little Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a shirt with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher cried.

Little Johnny - Third Grade

2007-09-25T20:21:00.000+05:30

It was the first day of third grade in a new town for Little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn’t get past 20. Little Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done.

His dad nodded and told him, "That’s because you are from Alabama, son."

The next day, in Language Class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It’s third grade, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school.

His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That’s because you are from Alabama, son."

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed." This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I’m from Alabama?" he asked.

"No, son," explained his Dad, "That’s because you’re 18."

Little Johnny - Story Time

2007-09-25T20:20:00.000+05:30

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Little Johnny - Going To Have A Wife

2007-09-25T20:19:00.000+05:30

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially interested when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Little Mary - Poor Catfish

2007-09-25T20:17:00.000+05:30

Little Mary was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Mary?"

"My goldfish died," replied Little Mary tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Little Mary patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

Little Johnny - Secret To A Long Life

2007-09-25T20:16:00.000+05:30

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"

Little Johnny - Decimal Point

2007-09-25T20:15:00.001+05:30

The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by ten.

"Johnny," the teacher asked, "where is the decimal point now?"

"On the eraser!" came back the quick reply.

Little Johnny - S&M

2007-09-25T20:12:00.000+05:30

One day Little Johnny's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was *highly* upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home. When Little Johnny's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in "your" son's closet."

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him,

"Well what should we do about this?"

Little Johnny's dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

Little Johnny - Beautiful

2007-09-25T20:11:00.002+05:30

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ...just #$&#*&^# beautiful!

Little Johnny - Heaven's Address

2007-09-25T20:11:00.001+05:30

The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"

"Heaven!" Suzy cried out.

"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher.

"Six feet under!", yelled Little Johnny.

Little Johnny - Teachers never give up

2007-09-25T20:10:00.001+05:30

Teachers never give up, and neither does Little Johnny. She asks him, "Can you name the Great Lakes?"

As you know Little Johnny, he is always fast with an answer, and he pipes up with, "I don't need to. They've already been named."

Little Johnny - Can Girls Have Babies

2007-09-25T20:09:00.000+05:30

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Little Johnny - Report Card

2007-09-25T20:07:00.000+05:30

Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card."
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
Little Johnny answered, "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Little Johnny - Worms in a jar

2007-09-25T20:05:00.000+05:30

In a school science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.

So the Science teacher asked the class, "What can you learn from this experiment?"

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."

Phone hacker's skill wins him sports car

2007-08-29T21:29:00.000+05:30

Phone hacker's skill wins him sports car

A TEENAGE hacker who managed to unlock his iPhone so that it can be used with cellular networks other than AT&T will be trading his reworked gadget for a new sports car.

George Hotz said he had reached the deal with CertiCell, a Kentucky-based mobile-phone repair company.

The procedure, which the 17-year-old laid out on his blog last week, raises the possibility of a cottage industry springing up to buy iPhones, unlocking them and then selling them to people who do not want an AT&T service or cannot get it.

The phone, which combines an innovative touch-screen interface with the media-playing abilities of the iPod, is currently sold only in the US.

Hotz posted on his blog that he traded his modified iPhone for "a sweet Nissan 350Z and three 8GB iPhones.

"This has been a great end to a great summer," Hotz added.

The hacker said he would be sending the three iPhones to the three online collaborators who helped him divorce Apple Inc's product from AT&T's network. It took 500 hours, or about eight hours a day, since the iPhone's 29 June launch.

The youth made the deal with Terry Daidone, co-founder of CertiCell, who also promised him a paid consulting job.

Source: Phone hacker's skill wins him sports car

Sania rises to 44th in WTA Rankings- Hindustan Times

2007-08-29T06:33:00.000+05:30

Sania rises to 44th in WTA Rankings
Press Trust Of India, New Delhi, June 25, 2007

Her not-so-impressive build up to Wimbledon notwithstanding, Sania Mirza's ranking improved by a couple of rungs in both the singles and doubles WTA charts released on Monday.

The Indian ace, who crashed out in the first round of last week's Ordina Open, rose to 44th in the singles list while her doubles standing also improved to 40th.

The 20-year-old Hyderabadi opens her campaign at the All England Club against Russian Yaroslava Shvedova.

Though grass remains Sania's favourite surface and she starts as favourite against the 80th ranked Shvedova, the Indian's recent form makes it a tricky opener for her.

Sania would be teaming up with Israeli Sahar Peer in the women's doubles and Mahesh Bhupathi in the mixed doubles.

Meanwhile in the ATP doubles rankings, Leander Paes dropped a rung to ninth, while Bhupathi remained static at 20th.

Paes will continue his partnership with Czech Martin Damm at Wimbledon where the duo has been seeded fifth.

The pair finished runner-up at last week's Ordina Open.

Bhupathi would also continue to partner Czech Radek Stepnak at the All England Club and the combination has been seeded 11th.

Source : Sania rises to 44th in WTA Rankings- Hindustan Times

100 Free Full Games to Download Online:

2007-07-28T04:13:00.001+05:30

http://downloadfullversionpcgames.com/blog/2007/06/17/100-of-the-best-legal-full-version-games-you-can-download-online/
downloadfullversionpcgames.com

clipped from downloadfullversionpcgames.com

100 Free Full Games to Download Online:

Allegiance
http://www.freeallegiance.org/

America’s Army
http://www.americasarmy.com/downloads/

D-Day Normandy
http://dday.planetquake.gamespy.com/site/

F.E.A.R. Combat
http://www.joinfear.com/main

Frets on Fire
http://fretsonfire.sourceforge.net/

Grand Theft Auto
http://www.rockstargames.com/classics/gta.html

Orbiter Space Flight Simulator
http://orbit.medphys.ucl.ac.uk/orbit.html

Shattered Galaxy
http://www.sgalaxy.com/

The Dinohunters
http://www.thedinohunters.com/

Urban Terror
http://www.urbanterror.net/news.php

War Rock
http://www.warrock.net/

Wild Metal
http://www.rockstargames.com/classics/wmc.html

Wolfenstein: Enemy Territory
http://www.splashdamage.com/?page_id=14