- He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
-Joseph Romm, Washington - She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
-Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station - The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.-
-Russell Beland, Springfield - McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
-Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring - From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
-Roy Ashley, Washington - Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
-Chuck Smith, Woodbridge - Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
-Russell Beland, Springfield - Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
-Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills - Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
-Unknown - He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
-Jack Bross, Chevy Chase - The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
-Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring - Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
-Russell Beland, Springfield - Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
-Jennifer Hart, Arlington - The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
-Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala. - They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth
-Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y. - John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
-Russell Beland, Springfield - The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
-Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria - His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free
-Chuck Smith, Woodbridge - The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
-Unknown
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
When bad writings become funny
Worst analogies ever written in a high school essay
Things you learn from the movies
Things you learn from the movies:
- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
- All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
- All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
- The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
- If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
- Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
- All single women have a cat.
- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
- One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
- Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
- Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
- During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
- When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
- Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
- Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
- Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
- Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
10 Shopping Tricks That Stores Hate
Stores are always trying to get you to do what they want. But what if you refuse? What if you do what benefits you and not the store? Aside from outright fraud, what are the things that you can do to come out ahead? We've put together 10 tips that will help you save money, but probably won't help the store. That's why they hate them. And you.
Buying Loss Leaders and Leaving: Loss leaders are products that a company sells below or at cost to lure customers into the store.
Why They Hate It: They do not want you to waltz in, buy up all the loss leaders and leave. Often there are limits to how many of each you can buy, if you see something in the ad that says "limit 3 per customer" you may have found yourself a loss leader. Buy it and get the hell out.
Using Credit and Paying it Off on Time: Sometimes stores will offer a "6 months, no interest, no payments" offer on big ticket items. Pay it off on time, and you've used their money for free.
Why They Hate It: These offers are not just to help you buy stuff, it's to trick you into paying more for the item than if you had paid cash. Some people take the cash they would have used to buy the item and put it in a high yield savings account. Then they buy the item with credit and wait until 5.9 months later to pay it off. They've just used someone else's money for 6 months for free. Ha, ha, ha. These offers are dangerous, however, because if you miss a payment or don't pay the full balance off on time, you'll get socked with interest since your date of purchase. The rates are often outrageous, so this tip is only for seriously organized Type-A people.
Saying NO to the Extended Warranty: Stores play on the fact that electronics are a big investment, scaring you into buying an Extended Warranty. Don't do it.
Why They Hate It: The Extended Warranty is basically just a trick to get you to pay way more for the item than you need to. It's very, very, very profitable for the retailer. If you don't believe us, believe Consumer Reports. If you're worried about not having an extended warranty, purchase your electronics with a credit card that offers extended warranty protection. Lots of them do. Just paying for your crap with a credit card can double your warranty, so tell that sales clerk to get bent.
Activating Your Own Phone With A Cell Phone Company: You can buy a used phone, or an unlocked phone, for full price and avoid signing a contract.
Why They Hate It: Cell phone companies want you to sign a contract. They need you to sign a contract. They burn with desire for you to be under contract with them. Cell phone stores sell 2 year contracts. That's what they sell. Not phones. So get a phone, then call the cell phone company and activate it. No contract needed. They hate that so much.
Shopping in the Store But Buying Online: Stores are just places where you can look at things you will later purchase for cheaper online. Look at your new laptop. Try it out. Ask questions. Buy online.
Why They Hate It: They've paid for a store, the electric bill for the store, the employees to answer your questions, and those nice little plastic bags that they want to put your purchase in. Whoops.
Buying 1 When its 2 for $5: "2 for" deals are bull. You can buy one. You can buy 3. "2 for 5" or "5 for 10" means, "Please for the love of Jesus buy this and get it out of the store." You can pay the unit price. (Laws may vary nationwide)
Why They Hate It: They want you to buy more stuff than you need!
Opening A Store Credit Card To Get A Discount, Then Cutting It Up: This is one from our dear Mommy. Mommy buys a bunch of stuff at once, opens the store credit card for the 20% discount, pays it off and cuts up the card. She did this every year when buying our school clothes. We're sure they hate her with the force of a 200 mega-ton bomb, but she still saved 20%.
Why They Hate It: Credit card companies make money from interest and fees. No activity on the card, no interest and fees.
Using Websites to Track 30 Day Price Guarantees: Stores have "30 day price guarantees" to make you think they have such low prices that they're not going to get any lower. They may, but they also know you're not going to keep shopping for some crap you already bought. Solution: There are websites that will watch your purchase for you and email if it drops in price during the guarantee period.
Why They Hate It: Because they have to give you money. No store ever likes to give you money.
Buying Seasonal Items at Clearance Prices (For Next Year): Seasonal items are a big deal for retailers and once the holiday is gone they need to make room for the next one. Their haste makes waste and you can take advantage of it. Buy now for next year. Another good idea is to buy "seasonal" candy after the season is over. So what if your M&Ms are brown and orange or red and green. Still tastes like awesome.
Why They Hate It: Stores want you to buy their seasonal crap at full price, when its most profitable, not during clearance when they sell it at cost or below.
Buy "Accessories" on Ebay Rather Than Paying Huge Markups: Retailers will often discount a big ticket item only to charge ridiculous prices for "accessories" that they will harass you to the point of madness to try to get you to buy. Expensive connectors, cables, controllers, leather lotion for your stupid coat you just bought, blank media, storage, etc. Buy this crap on eBay or at least research what it really costs at a retailer that is not trying to screw you. Case in point: Cables. Best Buy sells the Monster Ultra Series 8' HDMI Video Cable for $119.99. On Ebay the most expensive "Buy it Now" price for this cable is $74.95 with $9.95 shipping. For the exact same thing. And that's for a crazy brand name cable. There are 8' HDMI cables on eBay for $8.
Why They Hate It: Accessories are very profitable. If you got a good deal on a TV, you probably believe them when they say you "need" to spend hundreds of dollars on cables.
PS3 vs. Wii Commercial
Commercial comparing the PS3 to the Wii, like the PC and Mac ads.
You would love this ad.
Conan - iPhone Commercial
You have to have this phone. It's much more than just a phone! Check out some of its additional functions.
Bridge To Terabithia - First Official Full Trailer
The first official, FULL trailer for the upcoming movie 'Bridge To Terabithia' based on the best-selling children's novel of the same name (and one of my fav books!). It's from the same people that made Narnia, which will be obvious when you watch the trailer...
Nice Movie. Go and watch it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
