69 Wisdoms and Axioms for modern life
1) If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
2) A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
3) Experience is something that you don't get until just after you need it.
4) For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
5) He who hesitates is probably right.
6) No one is listening until you make a mistake.
7) Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
8) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
9) Two wrongs are only the beginning.
10) Monday is an awful way to spend one-seventh of your life.
11) The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have for catching up.
12) A clear consciense is usually the sign of a bad memory.
13) It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
14) There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell everything you know.
15) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
16) The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
17) Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
18) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
19) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
21) If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
22) Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
23) The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
24) The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
25) The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
26) To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
27) You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
28) The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
29) If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
30) Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
31) Don't sweat petty things or pet sweaty things.
32) A fool and his money are soon partying.
33) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
34) Money can't buy love But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
35) Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
36) Always try to be modest ... And be damn proud of it!
37) If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of loan repayments.
38) How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.
39) Everybody repeat after me "We are all individuals."
40) Chastity is curable, if detected early.
41) Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
42) Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
43) Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.
44) Hard work pays off in the future, Laziness pays off now.
45) Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
46) Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
47) Half the people you know are below average.
48) 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
49) 427.23 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
50) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
51) Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
52) He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
53) A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
54) On the other hand, you have different fingers.
55) Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
56) I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
57) Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
58) Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
59) I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
60) He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged.
61) You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
62) I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
63) Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
64) Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
65) Always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else.
66) War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
67) Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
68) I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
69) Do unto others, then run .............
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Laws women live by
Laws women live by
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If we put a man on the moon - we should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember: a sense of humor does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Just a thought for all the women out there... MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If we put a man on the moon - we should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember: a sense of humor does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Just a thought for all the women out there... MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
Slogans for women's T-shirts
Slogans for women's T-shirts
1. So many men, so few who can afford me.
2. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
4. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just can't remember it all.
5. My Mother Is a travel agent for guilt trips.
6. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
7. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.
8. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
10. Dinner Is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
11. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
12. I'm out of estrogen-and I have a gun.
13. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
14. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
15. I hate everybody...and you're next.
16. And your point is...?
17. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
18. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
19. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
20. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
21. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
22. All stressed out and no one to choke.
23. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
24. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
25. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
26. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
27. Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
1. So many men, so few who can afford me.
2. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
4. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just can't remember it all.
5. My Mother Is a travel agent for guilt trips.
6. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
7. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.
8. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
10. Dinner Is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
11. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
12. I'm out of estrogen-and I have a gun.
13. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
14. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
15. I hate everybody...and you're next.
16. And your point is...?
17. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
18. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
19. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
20. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
21. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
22. All stressed out and no one to choke.
23. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
24. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
25. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
26. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
27. Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Understanding Female Logic - Chapter 1
Understanding Female Logic - Chapter 1
A translation of what women say and what they really mean ........
"Yes" = No
"No" = Yes
"Maybe" = No
"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry
"We need" = I want
"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now
"Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later
"We need to talk" = I need to complain
"Sure go ahead" = I don't want you to
"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
"You're so manly" = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs
"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house
"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep
"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive
"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're going to hate
"I'll be ready in a minute" = Just going to wash my hair
"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me
"Are you listening to me!?" = Too late, you're dead
A translation of what women say and what they really mean ........
"Yes" = No
"No" = Yes
"Maybe" = No
"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry
"We need" = I want
"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now
"Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later
"We need to talk" = I need to complain
"Sure go ahead" = I don't want you to
"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
"You're so manly" = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs
"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house
"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep
"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive
"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're going to hate
"I'll be ready in a minute" = Just going to wash my hair
"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me
"Are you listening to me!?" = Too late, you're dead
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