Little Johnny - No Kidding

Little Johnny was doing very badly in maths. His parents had tried everything: tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, electrolysis, shock therapy, torture; in short, everything that they could think of.

Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Johnny down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, Little Johnny comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books and paper are spread out all over the room and Little Johnny is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for some time, day after day, while the Mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, Little Johnny brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mum looks at it and to her surprise, Little Johnny got an A in maths. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Johnny looks at her and shakes his head.

"Well then," she replies "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it??"

Little Johnny looks at her and says "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fucking around.

Little Johnny - An Expert In English

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Little Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow-job."

Little Johnny - Nice Thinking

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on Little Johnny. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied, "No, the correct answer is, the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

Little Johnny - Phonetic

A grade school teacher in Tennessee asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to Graceland and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinated."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Little Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a shirt with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher cried.

Little Johnny - Third Grade

It was the first day of third grade in a new town for Little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn’t get past 20. Little Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done.

His dad nodded and told him, "That’s because you are from Alabama, son."

The next day, in Language Class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It’s third grade, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school.

His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That’s because you are from Alabama, son."

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed." This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I’m from Alabama?" he asked.

"No, son," explained his Dad, "That’s because you’re 18."

Little Johnny - Story Time

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Little Johnny - Going To Have A Wife

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially interested when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Little Johnny - Secret To A Long Life

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"

Little Johnny - Decimal Point

The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by ten.

"Johnny," the teacher asked, "where is the decimal point now?"

"On the eraser!" came back the quick reply.

Little Johnny - S&M

One day Little Johnny's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was *highly* upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home. When Little Johnny's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in "your" son's closet."

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him,

"Well what should we do about this?"

Little Johnny's dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

Little Johnny - Beautiful

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."


"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ...just #$&#*&^# beautiful!

Little Johnny - Heaven's Address

The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"

"Heaven!" Suzy cried out.

"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher.

"Six feet under!", yelled Little Johnny.

Little Johnny - Teachers never give up

Teachers never give up, and neither does Little Johnny. She asks him, "Can you name the Great Lakes?"

As you know Little Johnny, he is always fast with an answer, and he pipes up with, "I don't need to. They've already been named."

Little Johnny - Can Girls Have Babies

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Little Johnny - Report Card

Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card."
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
Little Johnny answered, "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Little Johnny - Worms in a jar

In a school science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.


After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.

So the Science teacher asked the class, "What can you learn from this experiment?"

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."