69 Wisdoms and Axioms for modern life
1) If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
2) A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
3) Experience is something that you don't get until just after you need it.
4) For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
5) He who hesitates is probably right.
6) No one is listening until you make a mistake.
7) Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
8) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
9) Two wrongs are only the beginning.
10) Monday is an awful way to spend one-seventh of your life.
11) The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have for catching up.
12) A clear consciense is usually the sign of a bad memory.
13) It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
14) There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell everything you know.
15) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
16) The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
17) Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
18) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
19) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
21) If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
22) Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
23) The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
24) The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
25) The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
26) To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
27) You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
28) The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
29) If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
30) Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
31) Don't sweat petty things or pet sweaty things.
32) A fool and his money are soon partying.
33) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
34) Money can't buy love But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
35) Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
36) Always try to be modest ... And be damn proud of it!
37) If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of loan repayments.
38) How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.
39) Everybody repeat after me "We are all individuals."
40) Chastity is curable, if detected early.
41) Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
42) Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
43) Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.
44) Hard work pays off in the future, Laziness pays off now.
45) Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
46) Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
47) Half the people you know are below average.
48) 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
49) 427.23 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
50) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
51) Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
52) He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
53) A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
54) On the other hand, you have different fingers.
55) Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
56) I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
57) Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
58) Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
59) I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
60) He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged.
61) You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
62) I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
63) Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
64) Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
65) Always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else.
66) War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
67) Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
68) I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
69) Do unto others, then run .............
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Laws women live by
Laws women live by
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If we put a man on the moon - we should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember: a sense of humor does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Just a thought for all the women out there... MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If we put a man on the moon - we should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember: a sense of humor does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Just a thought for all the women out there... MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
Slogans for women's T-shirts
Slogans for women's T-shirts
1. So many men, so few who can afford me.
2. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
4. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just can't remember it all.
5. My Mother Is a travel agent for guilt trips.
6. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
7. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.
8. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
10. Dinner Is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
11. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
12. I'm out of estrogen-and I have a gun.
13. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
14. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
15. I hate everybody...and you're next.
16. And your point is...?
17. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
18. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
19. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
20. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
21. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
22. All stressed out and no one to choke.
23. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
24. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
25. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
26. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
27. Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
1. So many men, so few who can afford me.
2. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
4. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just can't remember it all.
5. My Mother Is a travel agent for guilt trips.
6. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
7. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.
8. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
10. Dinner Is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
11. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
12. I'm out of estrogen-and I have a gun.
13. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
14. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
15. I hate everybody...and you're next.
16. And your point is...?
17. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
18. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
19. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
20. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
21. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
22. All stressed out and no one to choke.
23. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
24. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
25. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
26. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
27. Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Understanding Female Logic - Chapter 1
Understanding Female Logic - Chapter 1
A translation of what women say and what they really mean ........
"Yes" = No
"No" = Yes
"Maybe" = No
"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry
"We need" = I want
"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now
"Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later
"We need to talk" = I need to complain
"Sure go ahead" = I don't want you to
"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
"You're so manly" = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs
"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house
"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep
"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive
"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're going to hate
"I'll be ready in a minute" = Just going to wash my hair
"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me
"Are you listening to me!?" = Too late, you're dead
A translation of what women say and what they really mean ........
"Yes" = No
"No" = Yes
"Maybe" = No
"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry
"We need" = I want
"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now
"Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later
"We need to talk" = I need to complain
"Sure go ahead" = I don't want you to
"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
"You're so manly" = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs
"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house
"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep
"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive
"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're going to hate
"I'll be ready in a minute" = Just going to wash my hair
"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me
"Are you listening to me!?" = Too late, you're dead
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Bye, Bye Daddy!!!
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Bye, Bye Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Bye, Bye Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Bye, Bye Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the door. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Bye, Bye Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Bye, Bye Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the door. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
Researching The Frog
Researching The Frog
A prominent scientist conducted very important experiment. He trained a frog to jump upon giving it a verbal command "Jump!".
In a first stage of experiment he removed frog leg, told it to jump, and the frog jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook:
So, he removed the second leg, asked the frog to jump, it obeyed, so he wrote again:
Thereafter he removed all the legs but one, the frog jumped when ordered, so he wrote again:
Then he removed the last leg. Told the frog to jump, and nothing happened. He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the leg less frog never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion:
A prominent scientist conducted very important experiment. He trained a frog to jump upon giving it a verbal command "Jump!".
In a first stage of experiment he removed frog leg, told it to jump, and the frog jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook:
"Upon removing one leg all frog organs function properly."
So, he removed the second leg, asked the frog to jump, it obeyed, so he wrote again:
"Upon removing the second leg all frog organs function properly."
Thereafter he removed all the legs but one, the frog jumped when ordered, so he wrote again:
"Upon removing three legs all frog organs function properly."
Then he removed the last leg. Told the frog to jump, and nothing happened. He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the leg less frog never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion:
"Upon removing the last leg the frog loses sense of hearing."
Monday, October 01, 2007
Some rules regarding girls
Some rules regarding girls:
- If you think a girl is beautiful, she'll always have a boyfriend to confirm that. Believe me that's damm true!!!
- The nicer she is, the quicker you will be dumped!!!!!
- The more the makeup, worse the looks...
- 95% of the girls in this world are beautiful. Remaining 5% would always be in your college.
- The guy standing next to a beautiful girl can never be her brother.
- If by any chance the girl you like, likes you too, she will let you know in about 10 years from now, when you are committed.
- The more you ignore a girl, the more she'll want to be friends with you.
- Theory of relativity: The more you run towards a hot chick, the more she goes away from you!
- Rule 1:
Even if you got her out alone, just when you are about to let her know about your feelings, she will spot a long lost friend (I guess from Kumbh ka Mela).
Corollary to Rule 1:
The more desperate you are to tell your feelings to a girl on a private chat, the more probability the long lost friend she discovered is a handsome superman, who beats you in everything 9:1
Axiom 1:
The more dedicated you are to the girl, the longer it takes before things work out, but ultimately it will (some smile for the guys) - The day the chick you really like comes and speaks to you will be the day when:
1. You are dressed badly
2. You forgot to brush your teeth for the first time in your life
3. Have a bad hair day - All the good girls are either nuns or married. The rest go around with you and ruin your money, health and leave you a total wreck.
- The more seriously you like a girl, the more seriously her dad will hate you.
- The love you shower a girl with, is directly proportional to the number of bullets her dad will be showering at you. So beware of girls!!! They will mess up ur life!!!
MTV Bakra.. !
MTV Bakra.. !
Jasmeet Kaur caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all around his living room.
Jasmeet: "What are you searching for?"
Santa: "Hidden cameras!"
Jasmeet: "And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?"
Santa: "That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why every few minutes he keeps saying 'You are watching MTV!' How does he know that?"
Jasmeet Kaur caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all around his living room.
Jasmeet: "What are you searching for?"
Santa: "Hidden cameras!"
Jasmeet: "And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?"
Santa: "That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why every few minutes he keeps saying 'You are watching MTV!' How does he know that?"
Sunday, September 30, 2007
INDIAN COW
INDIAN COW
You'll forget your English by the time you finish reading this.This is
a true essay written by a candidate at UPSC ( IAS ) Examinations.
You'll forget your English by the time you finish reading this.This is
a true essay written by a candidate at UPSC ( IAS ) Examinations.
INDIAN COW
He is the cow. The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed, and because he is female, he gives milks. He is same like God , sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards. His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement.
What can it do? Various ghee,butter, cream, curd,why and the condensed milk and so forth. And he is also useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally. His motion is slow only because he is of lazy species, and also his gober is much useful to farmers, plants and trees and is used to make flat cakes, in hand and drying sun.
Cow is the only animal that extricates after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth.
He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass.
His only attacking and defending organ is the horns, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weaponed to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards. He has got tails also, situated in the backyard, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohesive body hereupon he gives hit with it.
The palms of his feet are soft onto the touch.So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts. His eyes and nose are like his other relatives. This is the cow.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Insulting Bus Driver
Insulting Bus Driver
On this morning a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says, "Wow that is one ugly baby." The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man.
The man asks "What's wrong you look mad?"
She replied "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."
"You shouldn't take that from him." the man replied, "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him.
"You're right sir I think I will report him."
The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number, I'll hold your monkey for you."
On this morning a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says, "Wow that is one ugly baby." The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man.
The man asks "What's wrong you look mad?"
She replied "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."
"You shouldn't take that from him." the man replied, "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him.
"You're right sir I think I will report him."
The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number, I'll hold your monkey for you."
What I learned at the movies - Important life lessons...contd
What I learned at the movies - Important life lessons...contd
Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.
At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.
At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
What I learned at the movies - Important life lessons
What I learned at the movies - Important life lessons
During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Computers never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon, and waffles for their family every morning even though fathers and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police is always black and will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out all of them.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Computers never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon, and waffles for their family every morning even though fathers and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police is always black and will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out all of them.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
Girls Reaction To Penis Sizes
Girls Reaction To Penis Sizes
9 INCHES - Oh Shit, pain!!
7 INCHES - Oh, I'm in heaven
6 INCHES - OH PERFECT
5 INCHES - UMMMM OK
4 INCHES - PUSH MORE
3 INCHES - IS THAT IN???
2 INCHES - IDIOT!! JUST USE YOUR TONGUE!!
9 INCHES - Oh Shit, pain!!
7 INCHES - Oh, I'm in heaven
6 INCHES - OH PERFECT
5 INCHES - UMMMM OK
4 INCHES - PUSH MORE
3 INCHES - IS THAT IN???
2 INCHES - IDIOT!! JUST USE YOUR TONGUE!!
Stranded On An Island
Stranded On An Island
There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.
After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...
They buried her.
There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.
After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...
They buried her.
Great Sex
Great Sex
A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.
His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"
He replies: "Oh, no: I never found her head."
A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.
His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"
He replies: "Oh, no: I never found her head."
The Perfect Couple
The Perfect Couple
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Question: Who was the survivor?
(Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)
Answer:
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
**** Men keep scrolling.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Question: Who was the survivor?
(Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)
Answer:
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
**** Men keep scrolling.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen
Some Great One Liners
Some one-liners for you lazy bums
Q: What is the definition of Confidence?
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next!"
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
Q: Whats blue and fcuks old people?
A: Hypothermia
Q: What have the Gas Board and pelicans got in common?
A: They can both stick their bills up their arse.
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the shit out of the dog.
Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
A: If they're not on your **** they're in your wallet.
Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A: Well endowed.
Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q. Why would a bloke give his wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for her birthday?
A. Because if she doesn't like the slippers she can go and get ****ed.
Q. What's the definition of "trust"?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Q: How do you tell that you have a high sperm count
A: Your date has to chew before she swallows
Q: Why do seagulls have wings?
A: To beat the gypsies to the tip.
Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "It might take me a while to get hard I just got laid last night
Q: What is the politically correct name for Lesbian
A: "Vagitarian"
Q: What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog?
A: When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you.
Q: What do Kodak and condoms have in common?
A: They both capture the moment.
Q: What's got 90 balls and makes women sweat?
A: Bingo.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can get to sleep with a light on.
Q: What's got four legs and an arm?
A: A rottweiler.
Woman: "I've got acute angina".
Man: "Your tits aren't bad either".
Q: What's got two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog.
Q: What have a fat woman and a moped got in common?
A: They're both OK for a ride until your mates find out.
Q: What is the definition of confusion?
A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
Q: What is the definition of Confidence?
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next!"
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
Q: Whats blue and fcuks old people?
A: Hypothermia
Q: What have the Gas Board and pelicans got in common?
A: They can both stick their bills up their arse.
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the shit out of the dog.
Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
A: If they're not on your **** they're in your wallet.
Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A: Well endowed.
Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q. Why would a bloke give his wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for her birthday?
A. Because if she doesn't like the slippers she can go and get ****ed.
Q. What's the definition of "trust"?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Q: How do you tell that you have a high sperm count
A: Your date has to chew before she swallows
Q: Why do seagulls have wings?
A: To beat the gypsies to the tip.
Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "It might take me a while to get hard I just got laid last night
Q: What is the politically correct name for Lesbian
A: "Vagitarian"
Q: What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog?
A: When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you.
Q: What do Kodak and condoms have in common?
A: They both capture the moment.
Q: What's got 90 balls and makes women sweat?
A: Bingo.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can get to sleep with a light on.
Q: What's got four legs and an arm?
A: A rottweiler.
Woman: "I've got acute angina".
Man: "Your tits aren't bad either".
Q: What's got two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog.
Q: What have a fat woman and a moped got in common?
A: They're both OK for a ride until your mates find out.
Q: What is the definition of confusion?
A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
New Job
New Job
A young man just got a new job running the register at a store. The old-timer said he would teach him how to sell things. "Watch how I do it" he said to the new hire as a man came up to the counter.
The customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter. The old-timer then said to him "You know when you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing you're going to need a new lawnmower to cut that grass." "You know," said the man, "I do need to get a new mower, sure I'll take one."
After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one." A man then stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman then said, "You know you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that."
The man then asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?" "Well," he said, "It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass!"
A young man just got a new job running the register at a store. The old-timer said he would teach him how to sell things. "Watch how I do it" he said to the new hire as a man came up to the counter.
The customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter. The old-timer then said to him "You know when you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing you're going to need a new lawnmower to cut that grass." "You know," said the man, "I do need to get a new mower, sure I'll take one."
After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one." A man then stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman then said, "You know you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that."
The man then asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?" "Well," he said, "It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass!"
Great Pickup Line
Great Pickup Line
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
Hippie And The Bus Driver
Hippie And The Bus Driver
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
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