Some Great One Liners

Some one-liners for you lazy bums

Q: What is the definition of Confidence?
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next!"

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q: Whats blue and fcuks old people?
A: Hypothermia

Q: What have the Gas Board and pelicans got in common?
A: They can both stick their bills up their arse.

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the shit out of the dog.

Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
A: If they're not on your **** they're in your wallet.

Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A: Well endowed.

Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Q. Why would a bloke give his wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for her birthday?
A. Because if she doesn't like the slippers she can go and get ****ed.

Q. What's the definition of "trust"?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

Q: How do you tell that you have a high sperm count
A: Your date has to chew before she swallows

Q: Why do seagulls have wings?
A: To beat the gypsies to the tip.

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "It might take me a while to get hard I just got laid last night

Q: What is the politically correct name for Lesbian
A: "Vagitarian"

Q: What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog?
A: When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you.

Q: What do Kodak and condoms have in common?
A: They both capture the moment.

Q: What's got 90 balls and makes women sweat?
A: Bingo.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can get to sleep with a light on.

Q: What's got four legs and an arm?
A: A rottweiler.

Woman: "I've got acute angina".
Man: "Your tits aren't bad either".

Q: What's got two legs and bleeds?
A: Half a dog.

Q: What have a fat woman and a moped got in common?
A: They're both OK for a ride until your mates find out.

Q: What is the definition of confusion?
A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.