Speak Australian

Scarce as rocking horse shit.
Very rare

About as useful as tits on a bull.
Useless

Ugly as a hatful/bucket of arseholes
Really ugly

Bangs like a dunny door in a storm.
Has sex a lot

Got a face like a bashed in shit can.
Insult

You're as handy as shit on a stick.
You’re not much help

She's got a face like a smacked arse.
Boy! You are ugly

Better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick.
Be thankful for what you've got

Sticks out like dog's balls.
Doesn't fit in, out of place

As useful as lips on a chicken.
Not worth a damn

Dry as a **** with no foreplay.
Very thirsty

Sure as there's cold shit in a dead cat.
The certainty of the situation

As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp.
Ugly

So hungry I'd eat a shit sandwich, only I don't like bread
Really hungry

Welcome as a pork chop in a synagogue.
Not popular

You're as ugly as a box of blowflies.
Insult

I'd be up her like a rat up a drain pipe.
She very ****able

Dryer than an Arab's fart
Thirsty

She has more chins than a Chinese phonebook.
Has a double/ triple chin

It's so cold, me headlights are on high beam.
Also known as Nippelus Erectus

I'll be off like a Jewish foreskin
I'm getting out of here

As popular as shit in a lunch box.
Unwelcome

I'm so hungry I could eat the crutch out of an Afghans undies.
Really hungry

She has a head on her like the south end of a north bound camel.
She is bloody ugly

Got a face like a mile of unpaved road.
Pretty ugly

As welcome as a fart in a phone box.
Get out of here

She’s as friendly as a punch in the face
A cold unfriendly woman

She's got a face like a cat licking shit off a thistle
Ugly

He couldn't drive a greasy stick up a dog's arse
Bad driver

He couldn't drive a wet soapy finger up his own arse!
Even worse driver