When bad writings become funny

Worst analogies ever written in a high school essay

• He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
  -Joseph Romm, Washington


• She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
  -Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station


• The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.-
  -Russell Beland, Springfield


• McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
  -Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring


• From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
  -Roy Ashley, Washington


• Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
  -Chuck Smith, Woodbridge


• Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
  -Russell Beland, Springfield


• Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
  -Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills


• Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
  -Unknown


• He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
  -Jack Bross, Chevy Chase


• The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
  -Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring


• Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
  -Russell Beland, Springfield


• Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
  -Jennifer Hart, Arlington


• The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
  -Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.


• They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth
  -Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.


• John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
  -Russell Beland, Springfield


• The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
  -Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria


• His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free
  -Chuck Smith, Woodbridge


• The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
  -Unknown